17 February, 2012

How To Take A Bath Like You’re In A Film

In According to Greta, Hilary Duff’s character Greta thinks over her summer and her life’s problems by taking a bath (or, well, a shower, but by sitting down), in Lullaby for Pi, Clemence Poesy’s character, Pi, hides in a bathroom, because she prefers to interact with people that way, Emma Watson’s character Pauline had lovely conversation with her lovely sister who’s last name is Fossil, Julia Roberts likes to sing Prince in hers, and sometimes people like to hide mermaids in their bathtubs.  Whatever the case, bathtubs are an essential part to any great movie, really.  And if a movie totally sucks, if you’ve got a low-angle shot of someone broodily sitting lifeless in a bathtub with the classic “duck face” on, staring out into nothing, then you’ve got Oscar material (without the rest of whatever makes an Oscar movie an Oscar movie.)
0. Be Safe
I think, to make sure you don’t die, you need to make sure there are no murderers in your bathroom.  Everybody I ever know somehow ends up knowing this bit of information about me (and now you do, too, internet!), but before I ever do anything in a bathroom, even walking in to get something, I always dramatically pull back the shower curtain or slam open any doors to make sure there aren’t any axe murderers hiding behind them.  A friend recently told me “And, if you do happen to find a murderer in your bathroom, then what’s your plan?” It stumped me for a bit, but then I realized I had a head start.  And if not, at least I wasn’t stabbed while taking a shower.
1. You Need Life Problems
To truly fit into a indie movie’s plot, you need to have a problem, a struggle.  Whether your love life has shriveled up and been flushed down the toilet, or your parents just don’t get it, you need to have a reason to lock yourself up in your bathroom and take a bath to get rid of all the ugly problems sticking to your skin.
2. Perfect Straight Hair Syndrome
We’ll consider this one optional, but it’s the sad truth—you must apparently have straight hair to get that lovely “bun” look that people think they can just call “messy”, but I always look at those girls with their “messy buns” and think to myself “Golly molly, if only I could get my hair to look as classy that.”  I don’t know*, a ponytail is too much effort—arrange your hair into a “““messy””” bun—because it’s important and you don’t want your hair to be sopping wet.  Plus, it adds to your own self-image of being “sweet” and whatnot.
3. An Excuse To Use a Pack of Matches
I remember when I first gathered the courage to switch on a lighter for the first time (a few months ago) and I felt on top of the world.  Then I scraped my first match (just a week after that) and I felt like I had invented the internet.  I don’t know*, something about striking a match in the dark…  so special.  Anyway, I find that to truly feel like your world’s about to cave in so you need to take a bath right now is to have candles burning.  And it’s nicer when they’re scented—I like smelling Cake Frosting candles or Mango candles, because I like to eat while I’m not eating.  (Maybe not have them smell TOO good, because then you’ll spend too much time leaning over the tub trying to smell these candles over and over again.)
4. Bring a Book
I like to read whilst taking baths, too—but I have to be really careful, because, as a child,  I once dropped my Princess Diaries book in the soapy water and it couldn’t be saved—it took weeks to dry and it got disgustingly moldy.  I’d show you a picture, but I threw that mother out as soon as it started dotting with green.  But do not be discouraged!  Recently I’ve been reading Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.  Also, I like to lock the doors and read aloud while the tub is still filling up so that the water can block out the sound of my voice.  It’s fun! (Just don’t drop your books in the tub.)

5. Sometimes, Ella Fitzgerald is All You Need
This one is, I guess, optional, too (well, they all are [but sometimes you’d rather listen to the sound of the rain through your open window]), but I think listening to Johnny Hartman or Ella Fitzgerald croon about The Wee Small Hours of The Morning or a Blue Moon just makes it all better.  I suggest no boombox, unless you’d like to be brutally electrified, and no iPods too close to the water, because you’ll only ruin it.  Just imagine yourself in the perfect movie sequence, sitting with your feet dangling from the edge of the tub, listening to old Duke Ellington records, thinking about your complicated love life.  Oscar material already.
6. And, Just For The Heck of It
And, if you’ve got no real life problems to invent for yourself and you just want to feel like a woman~ or whatever, just take your bath and feel like a woman—and add bubbles, because I would like to see you testify in court, saying you never had bubbles in your bath as a child and you didn’t make a Santa Claus beard with it.  Also, am I the only one who took her Barbies in with her while taking baths?  I always made them drown.  It was terrible.
*Apparently, I don’t know many things.


  1. Love this post!
    We got rid of our bath last year, and oh how I miss it!- this post brings back so many good memories :')
    Just so you know.. I took my Barbies in the bath with me too, I wasn't so brutal though, mine just swam around :) Grace xxx

  2. Such a brilliant and funny post. I've never been much of the type to take baths -- honestly, I don't know what I would do in there for so much time. But I guess I could contemplate my life problems, for a start at least.

  3. This is seriously such a great post, loved reading it and I think I might go take a bath this afternoon!

  4. Haha this makes me want to go and take a bath right away, I'm more of a shower person but baths are just so luxurious aren't they?

  5. this is great ! haha..What I was a child I was obsessed with knives...every night before I went to bed I made sure they are all hidden in the drawer... kisses. lola, I follow. x

  6. love this post:) wish we had a bath! x

  7. I love bubble baths, they are one of the most wonderful pleasures in life, when I lived back in Argentina I used to do it everytime, but here in Spain water is a real problem so I don't do it often.

    And I used to play with my Barbies, too, when I was little ;D

    Thanks for visiting my blog, you have a lovely one, and you just got a new follower!

    Girls that glitter love the dark

  8. Hola! Pasaba a responder tu pregunta:
    Pololo o polola, significa Novio o novia en Chile.
    Saludos !

  9. Such a cute post ! ^^

    Aww too bad I don't have a bath tub.. :>

    Thanks so much for your comment, it was really sweet. Your free to copy the design-thingy ! ^^

    Have a lovely weekend,

    ♥ Satu
    Indie by Heart

  10. Posts like these make me wish I had a nice, relaxing tub in my house! Ah bubble baths, how I miss them. Also, I used to have dinosaurs and trolls and I would drown them too, haha :)

  11. This post is adorable!

    Carmen Ri.

  12. You are beyond cute, as is this post! I'm a huge bubble bath advocate. Definitely the best place to mull over your problems, or to just get away from the world. I always bring a book or two with me as well... never lost a full book to the water thankfully, but my favourites definitely have a warped page of two hehe

    <3 Shawna

  13. Haha. This was really cute. I dramatically pull back the shower curtain whenever I go in to a bathroom as well :]

  14. Have you seen a film called 'Sleeping with the Enemy' with Julia Roberts? Your perfectly straight towels really reminded me of the scene in that film where she realises her crazy ex is back because all the towels are straight and all the kitchen cupboards are uber neat!Rx


  15. You write so well, I'm kind of jealous, great post... again. I really like having baths, I find that girls seem to enjoy them much, much, more than guys. I wonder why =/

  16. Great idea for a post! I do so love a long relaxing bath, and definitely like to pretend like I'm in a film in it!

  17. haha, i totally do the same thing with making sure that there are no murderers behind the shower curtain. Although, i tend to take more of a creeping approach so if there was one they wouldn't notice me first ahaha :)

    ♥mollie from musicandmollie

  18. Oh I love this post so much, long baths always make me feel like I'm in a Sofia Coppola movie.
    Your blog is just perfect by the way, definitely following x

  19. Such an adorable post! Will deffinately bear this in mind next time I have a bath... awww I used to play with my barbies in the tub too! I had one whose hair would change colour when wet, haha, that'll never stop being awesome

  20. this post is soo cute! haha well writte!N

    Glass of Fashion

  21. "and sometimes people like to hide mermaids in their bathtubs" - OHMYGOSH, Aquamarine! Loved that movie.
    Eeek, I still haven't gathered up the courage to use a lighter. Good on you though! Lighters scare me.
    I'm so sorry about your Princess Diaries book.
    Haha, I used to make my Barbies jump off the edge and into the bath.
    Also, if you wrote a movie, I'm pretty sure it'd score an Oscar or two... Or three. Love this post!

  22. Newest follower! I am in love with your writing style! Very unique and refreshing! Such a great post! It made me smile... a lot!

    Love & Lollies... Jessa

    PS you can deliver my cupcake to this link! =D
    Confessions of the Cupcake Countessa

  23. Haha, I love all those movies! Great post :)

  24. Haha, I've just found you blog and I had a blast reading this post ! :) You have such a great sense of humor !

    PS: If you like, you are welcome to enter my international Vedette Shapewear on my blog ♥

  25. Ok, I am definitely going to follow you ! Love the playlist you have created on you blog :x

  26. You're hilarious, seriously. And I am so looking forward in taking a bath, unfortunately... I don't have bath. I think it should be one of the number one reasons for me to head back to my parents place and just do this thing.

    I especially like the scented candles and the ella fitzgerald, but the "messy" buns are a pretty nice addition. But seriously, a bath without bubbles is like a whipped cream without a cherry on top.. or maybe more like a planet without a sign of life (that one should fit better)(is a bit more dramatic too).


  27. Oh my goodness. I just stumbled across this blog and SOLD. It's good to know I'm not the only crazy who is convinced I will meet my death in a tub and therefore must ALWAYS ALWAYS check first. Love this, LOL so hard!!!!

  28. This is awesome...I always check my tub and my closet tooooo!

  29. hahaha this post is kind of funny and useful! Now I want a bubbles' bath!

  30. Haha I love this post! So well written! And I always check my bathroom for murderers before I step into the shower haha (probably everyone who saw Hitchcock's Psycho)

    1. Oh my gosh-- after I saw Psycho for the first time (which was about two months ago) I locked every door I came in or out of, and then after two seconds I'd frantically realize that I couldn't remember whether I had locked it or not, so I'd go back and check, and they'd always be locked, but there was a period where I ONLY took baths for a week and half or so after that!

  31. I would love to take a bath right now !
    great post.


  32. hello Jessica! I've given you the 'Kreativ Blog' award because i love reading your posts - you have such a lovely writer's voice :)

    ♥mollie from musicandmollie

  33. I love relaxig with a bath and reading while I'm having it :)


  34. This was entertaining and your pictures are lovely :)

  35. This post honestly made me laugh, so brill! I'm so desperate for a bath with candles (and barbies, definitely did that too) but I will not be bathing in my shared uni house bath any time soon, other peoples body hair floating around does not sound relaxing or fun


  36. um, totally loved this post. so very creative, and beautiful!
    xo TJ

  37. This is awesome. And makes me full of woe about not having a bath tub. Stand-up shower!! :::shakes fist:::

    I have many memories of playing with toys in the bathtub. My favs were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cause turtles like water, right?

  38. I LOVE this post! You are so funny and hit it on the nose! I too search for murderers - it's only natural! Great post! :)

  39. Love this post!! You are so funny and you hit it on the nose! I too check for murderers! ;)

  40. haha, what an AWESOME post! I really do love a bubble bath though, ella singing in the background will be particularly delightful.

  41. I think if I did all these things, my mom would think the worst of me... It's all those stupid Phone-chat-hotlines things where the chick says "I do it all the time... in the bathtub" or something dumb like that. Ugh. I almost never take baths because of it. And because there IS no tub in dorms... Just 4 shower stalls out of which only 1 has enough hot water to make showering pleasant in some way.



Thank you, pal.