04 June, 2012

I’m So Tired, I’m Feeling So Upset. . . I’ll Have Another Cigarette


Something that I’ve always resented about myself is my body clock.  There’s no possible way for me to even try to be joking when I say that, on weekdays, when I’m meant to be getting up for school, I have a difficulty to get out of my bed.  Even if I have woken up too late (around seven), I still am too sleepy to think about where I left my slippers or to remember that I have to put out the candle I accidentally left on all night; yet, on weekends, I’ve always woken up at around six, or five minutes until six.  I’ve never slept in on a weekend.  Even at New Year’s, if I go to sleep at five in the morning, I’ll be waking up at around nine in the morning.  It is physically impossible for me to sleep in.  Or take a nap.  I think sleeping and I just weren’t meant to be.

Today was one of those mornings.  I woke up at exactly 5:38 a.m.  I cleared the cobwebs out of my eyes.  In the private safety of my room, I stretched like I knew other happy girls in getting-ready-for-school movie montages do, and in my recklessness, knocked over the clock off my bedside table.  I checked the time.  It was 5:38 a.m.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  I touched my forehead.  I pinched the side of my stomach.  I checked the soles of my feet.  I couldn’t find anything.  Okay with the fact that it was earlier than usual, I plugged in my Christmas lights so as to not feel so alone in my room.  On my way, I checked the color of my tongue in the mirror.  I was dehydrated.  And it was 5:38 a.m.

Sometimes I feel like what I really need in my life are white sheets for my bed.  I’d be willing to conduct a study to prove that those with white bed sheets have better mornings.  Well…  on the other side, they do have much more cleaning to do, don’t they?  And…  they don’t get to drink hot chocolate in bed?  And they don’t get to sleep with their boots on after certain nights?  And…  and…  they can’t go outside barefoot to look at the moon one last time before finally giving up on the day?
My dad calls this thing I just did a “shame”.  You just convinced yourself out of a thing you proposed yourself about thirty seconds ago.  Nobody had to do that for you.

When it hit six-twenty in the morning, I decided to call my grandmother.  My grandmother is a really stubborn sweetheart, and I like to think my mother inherited that trait, which I’m growing into as well.  Every time I visit her, she tells me she misses me all the time.  Since I used to sleep over at her house almost every weekend when I used to live in Mexico, I know that she wakes up extra early, as well.  I also like to think that I got my own habit from her.  I called her cell phone, since I know my cousins, who live there as well, do indeed like their sleep.

The conversation took place in Spanish.

Hola, Mami Tere,” I said. 

Hola, mija!  What a nice surprise, how are—wait, what are you doing up so early?  What!  What are you doing up so early!  Go back to sleep!”  I could hear the years of worrying.

“I just wanted to say hi!  And it’s not that early.”

“Oh.  Good.  Because you need some sleep.  You never sleep.  Sometimes you have to just stop thinking.  Or else your feet will hurt.”

We proceeded to talk about meatballs, the weather difference in Baja California and California, the news (which included some nagging about how I really really really should re-consider if I actually want to move to Europe after I graduate), how my hair has been keeping up, and how she has to go to therapy for her arm.

Before I hung up, she paused for a really long time, and then she told me that she really loved me.  I told her she was my favorite person in the world, and that I missed her.

Even though I felt inexplicably guilty, I didn’t cry.  I fixed myself hot chocolate (drunk in bed) and pondered on Paul McCartney.

P.S. If you haven’t seen the Perks of Being a Wallflower trailer—I know, I’m like the fiftieth person to say that this morning, aren’t I?—then go do it!  After having read this book a few years ago, and re-reading it a couple of twenty times, I have to say I could not be more excited.  I am so grateful to the MTV Movie Awards for playing the exclusive trailer before the awards to save me from actually having to watch the “awards”.


  1. So, those framed Couture photos you have on your wall? I have the bottom right one (the monarch-ish dress) in a HUGE 8x10 stand out. I've had it ~5 years, and it's the only thing I've moved with me every time I've moved. I love it!

    Just had to say that I love that your grandmother says that thing about making your feet hurt if you worry too much - my mom and grandmother say that too. They're from El Salvador - maybe it's a Central American thing?

  2. Haha, you should count yourself lucky, I waste so much time sleeping in!

  3. you are a stunning writer. i used to have christmas lights up in my room for precisely the reason you so gracefully articulated: so i wouldn't feel alone. i never realized that was the purpose they did in fact serve until i read this post. on another note, your comment was the highlight of the day! thank you for such kind words; i'm so glad they led me to your blog! let's follow each other! xx

  4. I have the same sleeping problem. The only solution I have is going to bed early. Which is what I do. (I hate when people day "take a nap". HOW?!?!)
    Love Perks. And the trailer. And the music in the trailer.

  5. You're such a great writer! And where did you live in Mexico? I also own that Macaron book you have, I need to try to make them sometime :)

    1. I used to live in Rosarito Beach! Nowhere cool or historic like el Distrito Federal or Guadalajara (though my mom's from Jalisco!), but still a really cool place!

      Also, oh my goodness, yes to the book! I got it for Christmas, and as soon as I opened it, I quickly looked through it-- and was scared! Making macarons is such an intense process, they're so delicate, and you have to be incredibly precise! Well, one of these summer days, when it comes up that I literally have nothing to do, I'll try them!

  6. I definitely couldn't have white sheets! I'd ruin them almost immediately!

  7. Your writing is so interesting to read! I really love the random stream of thoughts, and especially enjoyed the conversation with your grandmother! You have a beautiful room and may have just convinced me to add a strand of lights to mine!
    Hope you have a wonderful day!
    xo Hannah

  8. You're an excellent writer! I could picture everything you said so clearly. That conversation with your grandmother was so sweet, like something you'd read in a novel.

  9. Aw, I love fairy lights! Your blog is such a great read!

  10. hanks for the new share with us. i just want to let you now that.

    I Won'T (Crazy World) (Unreleased)


Thank you, pal.